Unspoken Social Expectations in Conversations: What They Are and Why They Matter
In our daily interactions, conversations are more than just words exchanged between people. They are built on a set of unspoken social expectations that guide how we communicate, listen, and connect. These hidden rules can be challenging to identify and follow, especially for individuals with autism, who may find navigating social nuances more complex. This week, we’re exploring what unspoken social expectations in conversations are, why they are essential, and how we can practice them to build meaningful relationships.
Understanding Unspoken Social Expectations
Unspoken social expectations are the “hidden rules” of communication that people often follow instinctively. These behaviors make conversations flow smoothly and ensure everyone feels respected and heard. For many, these rules are learned naturally through observation. However, for individuals with autism, these expectations may need to be explicitly taught and practiced.
Some key unspoken social expectations include:
Taking Turns in Speaking
Conversations work best when one person speaks while the other listens, creating a rhythm where everyone has a chance to share. Interrupting or speaking over someone can disrupt the flow of communication and make others feel unheard. For instance, in a group discussion, waiting for a natural pause before speaking ensures everyone feels heard and valued.
Staying on Topic
Following the current subject instead of abruptly introducing unrelated topics helps keep the conversation cohesive. For instance, if a friend is sharing a story about their weekend, responding with a related comment or question, like “What did you enjoy most about it?” shows attentiveness. Switching to a different topic without a connection, such as mentioning a movie out of the blue, can interrupt the flow.
Showing Active Listening
Active listening involves more than just hearing words. Using body language such as nodding, maintaining comfortable eye contact, and responding with affirming phrases like 'I see' or 'That makes sense' demonstrates engagement. For example, if a coworker shares a concern, nodding and paraphrasing their words—“So, you’re worried about the deadline?”—can validate their feelings.
Recognizing and Responding to Social Cues
Observing body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice can provide insights into how someone feels. For example, crossed arms might indicate discomfort or frustration, while leaning forward and smiling often show interest. Teaching individuals to recognize and respond to these cues, such as offering support when someone looks upset, builds empathy and connection.
Ending Conversations Politely
Recognizing when someone signals they are ready to end a conversation—such as through shorter responses, glancing at the time, or stepping back—helps avoid overstaying your welcome. Using polite phrases such as “It was great talking to you” or “Thanks for sharing; have a good day” leaves a positive impression.
Respecting Personal Space
Understanding physical boundaries is crucial for comfort in social interactions. Standing about an arm’s length away, unless invited closer, respects others’ space. For instance, in a crowded setting, a gentle “Excuse me” while passing ensures you’re mindful of proximity.
Expressing Empathy
Empathy involves acknowledging and caring about others’ feelings, even when they aren’t explicitly stated. If a friend seems upset, saying, “You seem down today; is everything okay?” shows concern. Empathy fosters trust and deeper connections.
Managing Tone and Volume
Adjusting tone and volume based on the setting is another critical expectation. A soft, calm tone works well in quiet environments, while a louder, enthusiastic voice may suit lively gatherings. Practicing this skill helps individuals match their communication style to the situation.
Asking Open-Ended Questions
Encouraging others to share more by asking open-ended questions, like “What did you enjoy most about the trip?” instead of “Did you have fun?” makes conversations more engaging. It shows genuine interest and helps keep the dialogue flowing.
Why Are These Expectations Important?
These unspoken rules help create a shared understanding, making conversations enjoyable and productive. When people follow these expectations, it fosters trust, respect, and connection. For individuals with autism, mastering these skills can significantly enhance their ability to navigate social interactions in various settings, such as school, work, and community activities.
Unspoken social expectations also play a role in reducing misunderstandings. For example, knowing when to take a turn in a conversation prevents interruptions, while recognizing when someone is upset allows for empathy and support.
Strategies for Practicing Unspoken Social Expectations
Learning these skills takes time and practice, but it can be done with intentional activities and guidance. Here are some effective strategies:
Role-Playing Scenarios
Role-playing is a fantastic way to practice unspoken social expectations in a controlled setting. Create scenarios where one person practices waiting for a pause before speaking, or act out situations where someone signals they’re ready to end a conversation. Practicing recognizing nonverbal cues and responding appropriately can enhance social awareness.
Watching and Discussing Social Interactions
Use TV shows, movies, or videos to observe how characters communicate. Pause the scenes to reflect on and discuss:
What unspoken expectations were followed or missed?
How did the characters’ tone, body language, or expressions influence the conversation?
What would you do differently in that situation?
Building Awareness of Social Cues
Encourage mindfulness during conversations by noticing when someone looks distracted or disinterested and adjusting the conversation, identifying moments when the other person is happy or upset, and practicing empathy by asking, “How do you think they feel right now?”
Practicing “Turn-Taking” Games
Turn-taking games, such as board games or story-building activities, reinforce the rhythm of back-and-forth communication. Encourage pauses and give everyone equal opportunities to contribute.
Journaling Social Interactions
Encourage individuals to reflect on their daily interactions by writing about:
Conversations that went well and why.
Moments where they felt confused and what they can learn from those experiences.
Observations about how others communicate.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
Practicing unspoken social expectations can come with challenges, but these can be addressed with patience and persistence:
Challenge 1: Difficulty Recognizing Social Cues
Some individuals may struggle to notice tone of voice, body language, or facial expressions. For example, they might miss signs of discomfort when someone is crossing their arms.
Solution: Focus on one cue at a time, such as tone of voice. Use real-life examples or video clips to help them identify the cue and discuss its meaning. Help them practice recognizing this cue in different scenarios until it feels more intuitive.
Challenge 2: Interrupting Others
Impulsively speaking out or interrupting others can disrupt the flow of conversation.
Solution: Teach strategies like counting to three silently before speaking or using a visual reminder, such as a sticky note that says “Wait.” Use role-play exercises to practice group discussions, emphasizing waiting for a natural pause before contributing.
Challenge 3: Struggling to End a Conversation
Some individuals may not recognize when it’s time to conclude a conversation, leading to awkwardness.
Solution: Teach polite phrases to signal the end of a conversation, such as “I need to get going, but it was great talking to you.” Practice scenarios where they rehearse using these phrases, along with recognizing signs that the other person is ready to wrap up, like shorter responses or checking the time.
Challenge 4: Staying on Topic
It can be challenging to resist the urge to introduce unrelated topics in a conversation.
Solution: Encourage linking new contributions to the current topic. For example, if the discussion is about a recent trip, they could ask, “Did you see any interesting landmarks?” rather than shifting to an unrelated subject.
Challenge 5: Managing Tone and Volume
Adjusting tone and volume to suit different environments can be difficult.
Solution: Practice in settings with varied noise levels, such as whispering during a library role-play and speaking loudly at a pretend outdoor event. Provide constructive feedback on how to match tone and volume to the environment.
Building Confidence Through Practice
The more we practice these skills, the more confident we become in our ability to connect with others. Mastering these unspoken social expectations fosters deeper relationships and a stronger understanding of the world around us.
At Ascent Autism, we are committed to helping individuals navigate these hidden rules of communication. With practice and support, everyone can develop the tools needed to thrive in their social interactions.
July 1, 2024Hye Ryeon Lee, PhDHye Ryeon is a neuroscientist with over 10 years of experience studying Autism Spectrum Disorder, including at the Stanford University School of Medicine. She has published numerous papers on the mechanisms of autism in journals such as Nature, Science, and Nature Neuroscience.https://www.linkedin.com/in/hyeryeonlee/