Beyond Mine and Yours: Nurturing Social Connections Through Sharing for Children with Autism

Parents and caregivers of children with autism often experience tense moments during playdates when another child reaches for their child's favorite toy. That moment of uncertainty—wondering if there will be tears, a meltdown, or perhaps a successful moment of sharing—is familiar to many families navigating social skills development with their children. 

Sharing doesn't come naturally to most children, and for children with autism, the concept can be particularly challenging to grasp. This blog explores why sharing matters, why it can be difficult for children with autism, and most importantly, how families can help their children develop this crucial social skill in ways that respect their unique needs and strengths. 

Understanding the Challenges 

Children with autism often experience several factors that can make sharing especially difficult. Differences in executive functioning can make transitions challenging—and sharing is essentially a transition from having something to temporarily not having it. Many children with autism have sensory sensitivities, which can cause anxiety when others touch their belongings. Strong preferences and special interests can make parting with favorite objects feel genuinely distressing. 

Perhaps most significantly, differences in social communication and theory of mind development can make it harder for children with autism to understand the unspoken rules of sharing or to recognize why sharing matters to others. Understanding these challenges allows parents and professionals to approach teaching sharing with compassion rather than frustration. 

SHARE: Five Key Strategies for Success 

To help families navigate the journey of teaching sharing skills, here's a simple framework that captures the essential approaches: 

S - Start Small: Begin with brief sharing moments using less-preferred items before moving to favorite toys. 

H - Honor Boundaries: Create a "no-share" zone for special items and teach the difference between personal and communal possessions. 

A - Adapt to Interests: Connect sharing activities to your child's special interests to increase motivation and engagement. 

R - Reinforce Visually: Use timers, pictures, and social stories to make the abstract concept of sharing more concrete. 

E - Encourage Progress: Celebrate small victories and remember that sharing skills develop gradually over time. 

Now, let's explore each of these strategies in more detail. 

Meeting Children Where They Are 

All children develop sharing skills gradually, moving from parallel play (playing alongside others) to more complex collaborative play with negotiation. For children with autism, this progression often follows a different timeline, and that's perfectly okay. What matters most is meeting children where they are developmentally and building skills from there. 

Parents sometimes feel embarrassed when their child refuses to share during social gatherings. These moments can feel like failures, but they're actually opportunities to understand what support the child needs. Children with autism aren't being deliberately difficult—they're responding to genuine cognitive and sensory differences that make sharing more challenging. 

Starting Small: Building Sharing Skills Step by Step 

Breakthroughs often happen when families stop trying to force sharing and instead create positive, low-pressure opportunities to practice. Starting with brief sharing moments involving less-preferred toys can be effective, using visual timers so children can see exactly when they will get their toys back. 

This gradual approach makes a significant difference. Families can begin by practicing turn-taking with just one trusted person before moving to group situations. Using concrete, visual supports makes sharing more predictable and less threatening. For instance, a simple "my turn/your turn" card can transform an abstract concept into something tangible and understandable. 

Photographing successful sharing moments and creating simple social stories can reinforce positive experiences. A story might read: "Sometimes children share crayons with friends. Then they can color together. Sharing helps people feel happy." Reviewing these stories helps reinforce the positive aspects of sharing. 

Making Sharing Meaningful Through Special Interests 

For many children with autism, special interests provide both joy and comfort. Rather than viewing these interests as barriers to sharing, they can be used as gateways to meaningful social interactions. 

For example, a child fixated on trains might enjoy a track setup that requires two people to complete, making sharing a necessary part of play. The motivation to see the finished track can override reluctance to share pieces. By connecting sharing to something intrinsically motivating, children can experience the social benefits in a way that makes sense to them. 

Parents can incorporate their child's interests into sharing activities in many ways. A dinosaur enthusiast might enjoy a dinosaur rescue scenario that requires working together and sharing materials. A child fascinated by a particular book series might participate in taking turns reading favorite parts aloud. 

Respecting Boundaries: Not Everything Needs to Be Shared 

One important realization for families is that it's perfectly okay—even necessary—for some things to remain personal. Just as adults don't share everything they own, children shouldn't be expected to share all their possessions either. 

Creating a simple system can help: a special box for items that are too important to share, with communal toys kept in a separate area. This clear boundary helps reduce anxiety and often makes children more willing to share items outside their special collection. More importantly, it teaches about personal boundaries—both respecting their own and those of others. 

Taking time to help children identify which possessions feel safe to share and which don't create clear categories and respects their need for some items to remain personal. This approach acknowledges their feelings while still providing opportunities to practice sharing in less stressful contexts. 

When Sharing Feels Overwhelming 

Even with the best preparation, there will be moments when sharing becomes too overwhelming. Learning to recognize early signs of distress—which might be unique to each child—allows for proactive intervention. 

When a child becomes overwhelmed, offering a calm break in a quieter space can help. Validating their feelings without judgment is important: "I see you're having big feelings about sharing the iPad. That's okay." Once they're calmer, offering choices provides agency: "Would you like to take turns with the timer, or would you prefer to find something else to play with for now?" 

Occasional setbacks are a normal part of learning any new skill. When difficult moments happen, focusing on helping children regulate their emotions first, then returning to simpler sharing activities once they're ready keeps the experience positive. 

Celebrating Every Step Forward 

Small moments of progress represent significant achievements for children with autism. When a child spontaneously offers a piece of their snack to a classmate, it might represent months of patient practice. Learning to share is a journey of many small steps, and each one deserves celebration. 

Keeping a simple journal of sharing successes or taking photos of positive sharing moments creates a record of growth. Sharing these victories with important people in the child's life reinforces progress. Most importantly, recognizing incremental improvements rather than focusing on perfection keeps motivation high. A child sharing for a shorter time than hoped but without becoming upset represents meaningful progress worth acknowledging. 

Supporting Sharing Across Environments 

Consistency across different environments makes a significant difference in how quickly sharing skills develop. Regular communication between parents and teachers about current sharing goals and effective strategies ensures continuity of support. 

For school settings, providing visual supports that can travel between home and school maintains consistency. For playdates and social gatherings, preparation helps tremendously. Preparing children before events ("Jamie might want to play with the blocks too"), bringing duplicate preferred items when possible, and establishing a simple signal children can use when they need support creates a framework for success. 

The Bigger Picture: Connection Through Sharing 

Teaching sharing isn't primarily about toys or materials—it's about helping children connect with others and experience the joy that comes from shared activities and experiences. 

The goal isn't perfect sharing in all situations, but rather helping children develop meaningful connections with others. With patience, creativity, and consistent support, children with autism can develop sharing skills that enhance their relationships and quality of life. 

Parents and caregivers know their children best and can trust their instincts about when to gently encourage sharing and when to respect limits. Supporting children through these social challenges takes tremendous patience and creativity, but the resulting growth in social connection makes the effort worthwhile. 

Remember that each sharing success, no matter how small, represents a step toward greater social engagement and connection. These skills build gradually over time, creating a foundation for more complex social interactions in the future. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, families can create a positive, supportive environment where children with autism can develop sharing skills at their own pace and in ways that honor their unique perspectives and needs. 

May  5,  2025

Hye Ryeon Lee, PhD

Hye Ryeon is a neuroscientist with over 10 years of experience studying Autism Spectrum Disorder, including at the Stanford University School of Medicine. She has published numerous papers on the mechanisms of autism in journals such as Nature, Science, and Nature Neuroscience.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/hyeryeonlee/